Your Life Can Change In a Minute
Some lessons hurt, some lessons educate, and some lessons leave you in a whirlwind, wondering what just happened! There have been a few that have left me in that whirlwind, and losing the love of my life on December 30, 2018 has by far, been the hardest. Twelve years of sharing my life with someone and then they unexpectedly pass away left me in a whirlwind and wondering what do I do now? My biggest support system, my biggest fan, my love, my best friend, gone. The past four years have been difficult, and I know that everyone is wondering where the band is, and why I disappeared. Disappearing was the only way I knew how to process my feelings, I felt like I was waiting for someone to rescue me; praying for someone to save me. Normally, I would put my feelings on paper, but there is nothing normal about grief. A few years ago I had someone tell me to stop writing so many sad songs. That really hindered my writing and it hurt. My advice is, don’t listen to what other people say, do what works for you. Those “sad songs” that I had written, healed me. They are life experiences that I share with people who can relate and I wouldn’t change a thing! I’ve met so many amazing people that were dealing with similar situations, and I hope they knew, they were not alone. Some life experiences leave you feeling alone, and in my case, actually wanting to be alone.
Being burnt out, humbled, losing the love of my life and trying to figure out who I am without him, has been depressing and debilitating. The grief has taken almost 4 years of my life, and I let it, by pushing everyone away from me. I secluded myself from any hobbies, friends, and my music, I lost myself. Music was always one of the things that helped me vent, and yet I couldn’t write a word and didn’t even want to pick up my guitar. The weight I was carrying buried me alive, I simply existed. Life goes bye so fast, it feels like I just woke up and I’m 50 years old! The past four years have been filled with ups and downs, and I have moved forward the best I know how. Having been so positive and optimistic (and boy did I ever preach it), about moving forward and chasing your dreams, I found it hard to even function. I felt like such a hypocrite, being one who used to be so happy and full of life. Life as I knew it was over, I was lost. I’m still a bit lost but I can see a crack of light and I’m trying to take my own advice and move on, in a forward direction.
It’s Not About How Long I Have Been Down, It’s The Fact I’m Getting Back Up!